The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
