OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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