I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
