no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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