Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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