i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
