i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
