in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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