It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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