it hurts more in the daytime
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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