just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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