just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
