I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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