somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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