Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
