and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
