I cannot find my penis.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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