Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
