I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
