need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
