He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
