I accidentally had phone sex last night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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