just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
