I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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