now i know why i became what i already was.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
