my phone needs a breathalizer
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
