well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
