you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
