life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
