if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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