Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
