i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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