Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
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I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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