first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How does it feel to date your dad?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
