Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
