you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
