why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
