I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
