sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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