i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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