I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
