Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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