My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
