Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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