Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I did not marry a roomba.
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