I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
