My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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