Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
