mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
