So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How external is "for external use only"?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
