I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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