I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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