i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
