Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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