apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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