found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
All I want is dick and wine.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
